WTF is sexual wellness?

A loaded, layered and multidimensional question that can mean something different to each one of us. If you are not 100% sure what that means to you, we are in the same boat, because I am still in the process of trying to define what that means in my life and the role it plays in my overall well being. What I have come to understand though, is that sexual wellness to me isn’t just about the sex I am having or simply about pleasure. For me, it has to do with how I see myself as a human being, my ability to embrace and be empowered in enjoying my sexuality, accepting my body, the skin I live in, and the sense of truly owning my sexual actions. 

photo by Tonhya Kae for La Femme Forte

The start of my sexual shame

The process of defining and understanding my sexual wellness has been a process of breaking apart old definitions and narratives of what sex is supposed to mean for me as a woman. It's been an unearthing of truths and learning who the authors were of the stories I told myself for years. Were these authors women who I looked up to, society, stories from the media, or stories I adopted from the different experiences that people around me have told themselves? Picking and pulling apart the threads of the deeply woven stories has been a deep process of healing and rebuilding. 

To truly begin the process of rebuilding and understanding my own personal narrative of sexual wellness, I had to authentically confront my past and the weight that I had been holding on to. If I am being honest with myself, my entire relationship with sexuality has been a roller coaster ever since I could remember. It wasn’t until 2018 when I examined some of the issues I had with an open and non-judgmental heart. 

As a child I grew up in a very traditional Filipino household where we referred to our vagina as “pek pek” rather than its medical term and discussing sexuality was non existent.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been confused about how to accept and love my body. As a child I grew up in a very traditional Filipino household where we referred to our vagina as “pek pek” rather than its medical term and discussing sexuality was non-existent. When my puberty hit, my older brother teased me for growing the itty bitty boobs I had. Learning to love my body was uncomfortable and foreign. I was never taught by my parents how to appreciate my body. There were no conversations on my developing body or my sexual being, so in some ways, I learned early on without being told, that my body as a woman didn’t belong to me. That it was owned by someone else and for someone else. 

photo by Tonhya Kae for La Femme Forte

My teenage years came around and so begins the moment in my life where my sexual desires, thoughts, and feelings towards people began. I remember feeling ashamed and uncomfortable having these desires because there weren’t very many teenage girls talking about it around me. I was raised in a very Catholic household and often felt “dirty” or “embarrassed” even having thoughts surrounding sexuality that early on. I was taught to keep those thoughts and desires behind closed doors and shut them down. It created this feeling of having to choose between my true sexual desires or being seen as a “good girl.” After mysexual assault at 15, I knew that the journey to reclaiming my sexuality would be a long and healing one. One that would have to be defined by only me, one that I would craft and create on my own, within my own terms. The road ahead was a challenging one because, on one hand, I was so curious about exploring my sexual nature and my body, and another part of me that wanted to hide from the world entirely.

A big part of me was still very afraid of my sexuality and my desires after my assault. I felt confused and alone because I didn't know if it was okay to even feel the desire to explore my sexuality. I was confused about my own desires.

I remember thinking, "How could I desire to be touched by someone else or desire to touch myself when I had been hurt so deeply by someone I thought I was safe with?, could I ever be safe again?’ At the same time, I was a normal, horny teen who was in deep need of taking ownership of my body. These were some of the deep-seated questions that troubled my mind after my sexual assault. And probably the deepest one of them all was ‘how do I love the skin I am in?’ For years, I would go on to explore these questions. 

reclaiming my sexuality

I would say that it wasn’t until last year that I truly started to fully reclaim my sexuality in a way that feels most authentic and honest to me. It all started coming up when my partner Jon and I had to break down our meaning ofsex vs intimacy. Being in a long term relationship can easily evolve into settling into a routine, not only with love but also with intimacy and sex life. We were finding ourselves going through the everyday motions, and this had me really asking myself, ‘Is this what I want? How do I want to live my life? How do I want to love myself fully and freely in this space of my being and within my relationship?’

photo by Hannah Siddiqui

Jonathan and I had been struggling with the ideas of intimacy vs sex. He believed that intimacy meant physically connecting with me through sexual activity, touch, affection, etc. Intimacy can easily be defined as an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse. For years this definition has been the one that most of the media, magazine articles and conversations amongst others would hinge upon. But for years, I was looking and craving for another type of intimacy that was lacking in my overall sexual wellness - emotional intimacy. 

photo by Hannah Siddiqui

As my need for emotional intimacy became stronger, so did the disconnect between Jon and I’s definition of it. We had fights over our mismatched libidos and sexual appetite and my need for intimacy not being fulfilled. I began to start to feel obligated to be sexy for him rather than for myself, and I started to realize that, that didn’t sit well with me. Ultimately, we had to each define and be clear with each other about what intimacy meant for each of us, and what we were looking for within our sexual and intimate relationship. We had to dismantle our meaning of sex vs intimacy which goes hand with each of understanding our own idea and grasp of overall sexual wellness. 

I had begun subscribing to a narrative that I didn’t believe in.

In addition to this, I came to see that as a woman, who is also a mother, I had begun subscribing to a narrative that I didn’t believe in. One that told the story and put confines around mothers not having the right and autonomy to be sexy and tap into their sexuality. I knew that didn’t feel right, but it took again, honesty to shift my narrative and the ‘guidelines’ I had set around what sexual wellness looked like to me.

photo by Encarnacion Photography

Reclaiming my sexuality, understanding what sexual wellness means to me as a woman, within my relationship, in relation to the world I live in and the skin I am in, has been a continuous process, and one that I will continue to explore and evolve as time goes on and as I continue to grow. But what I do know, is that for me, sexuality is NOT about who you have sex with, or how often you have it. It’s not about your sexual orientation, or how others define it for you. Sexuality and the wellness around it is about being tapped into your sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions, desires, and behaviors towards yourself and towards those around you. It’s about body autonomy and feeling powerful and aligned in the choices you make around it, and the intimacy you practice with yourself and within your relationships.

In a HuffPost article titled “Sexual Self Esteem: A Short Course”, psychotherapist and certified sex therapist Gila Shapiro says that “Our sexuality is rooted in how we understand and define ourselves, how we perceive others, and how we see the world. Sexuality is a multi-dimensional, complex mix of physiological, interpersonal, cultural, emotional, and psychological factors”. Clearly, sexuality and sexual wellness isn’t something that can be defined overnight but it is vital that we take the time to reflect on all these elements of ourselves and the role they play, because the relationship and narrative we have with ourselves, is directly in hand with the ones we have with the world around us.

How do you define sexual wellness? What has your journey to understanding yourself on this intimate level been like for you?