So I have something to tell you, I’m polyamorous.

For the past two years, I’ve been keeping a secret. Lying or withholding information is not something I’m proud of because it’s not aligned with my values because I am all about radical acceptance and speaking your truth! And if I’m keeping it real, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t have the courage to till now.

I was afraid to share my views on love, sex, and sexuality in fear that I wouldn’t be accepted by my family and friends.

What is polyamory?

The word "polyamory" is based on the Greek and Latin for "many loves" (literally, poly many + amore love). A polyamorous relationship is a romantic and intimate relationship that involves more than two people. With polyamory, deep relationships are the focus. The thing that defines a polyamorous relationship is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else's involvement.

The term polyamory may have been coined as early as the 1960’s but came into widespread recognition and use in the 1990’s in Western society (Taormino, 2008). Globally and historically many cultures and societies have engaged in sexual and romantic practices that could be described as polyamory.

TBH, I never believed in the idea of monogamy. Before Jon and I started dating I started to question the heteronormative views of love and relationships but never talked about my thoughts on it. 20 years ago when I would talk to friends about my beliefs they would slut-shame me and think I was out of my mind. The craziest thing to me is the double standard that men could have these thoughts about having multiple partners and be celebrated, but if a womxn did she was called a whore. 🤷🏽‍♀️

(listen to more on Episode 3 of the HELLA MARRIED podcast)

You're probably wondering "Jo, why polyamory"?

My question to you is why do people get involved in interpersonal relationships? Why become romantically attached to anyone?

The answer of course isn't universal and it will vary from person to person. When I told Jonathan that I didn't believe in monogamy in 2018 we did some research on non-monogamy and he discovered polyamory. To me, that was more in line with what I hoped to experience rather than the idea of an open marriage that was just for sex or physical intimacy. For me, polyamory offers more resources and perspectives. In our experience, we've been able to grow and expand emotionally and intellectually in ways we never imagined we could.

(listen to Our Lessons Learned Through Ethical Non-Monogamy ep.9 of the HELLA MARRIED podcast)

Why didn’t I share this before?

It’s really simple. I feared the judgment of others and not being accepted. The three of us also wanted to make sure that the relationship got to a stable place before letting anyone know. And most importantly, Jonathan and I wanted to be able to share the news with our daughters, give them some time to ask us questions, be comfortable with all of it, and feel empowered in knowing their parents are not living by anyone else’s standards. These were all extremely important factors for us before sharing anything publicly.

It was December 6, 2019, when I came out to my daughters. Then it was April 22, 2020, when we shared the news on our podcast.

For almost two years I kept my polyamorous relationship a secret. I was afraid to share my views on love, sex, and sexuality in fear that I wouldn’t be accepted by my family and friends. I was scared that if I was to share my non-heteronormative perspectives on love and life that I would be exiled by those who support and love me. I was scared that the “Jo” that people once loved would be unloved because she was different.

Lessons I’m learning about identity

What I’ve discovered over time is that we get to choose and own our identities and we have permission to change. You’re not required to be who you used to be. You have every right to change who you are as you gain new insights on who you are, new ways of thinking, and perspectives. You’re evolving, changing, learning, and becoming the fullest version of yourself.

For years I didn’t trust my voice because I thought I had to fit into every societal norm in order to be loved, respected, and worthy. As I’ve reshaped myself over the years I’ve learned that in trying to fit into everyone else’s box I wasn’t stepping into my own. So here’s me stepping into my own box, as a queer poly womxn who happens to be Filipinx, and here are the two men who love me for it.

It's not conventional or the norm, I get it. But what really is these days?

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