September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month

This month is a heavy one for me and one I'm deeply passionate about because of my own personal connection to suicide.

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⚠️ trigger warning: content includes suicide and sexual trauma ⚠️

My life hasn’t always been all sparkles and sunshine. My childhood memories are interwoven with a lot of dark moments.

This story begins with a 9-year-old girl who asked for an eraser. I was doing my homework at a family friend’s house one night when I had asked my “uncle” for an eraser. He walked me into his office, closed the door, and began to step closer to me. I was confused at his actions, but since he was a trusted family friend tried to think nothing of it. He said to me “Are you going to thank your Tito for this eraser.” I said, “Thank you.” He stepped closer and asked for a kiss, so I gave him one on his cheek. The moment I was close enough to be in his space, he grabbed me closer and forced his tongue down my throat. I quickly pushed off and ran into the dining room where my parents were, feeling ashamed, lost, and confused. That is an experience that still haunts me to this day, it was the beginning of a downward spiral that led into a world of emotional confusion, self-hatred, and a loss of my own self-worth.

I began to struggle with my own self-worth, self-esteem, and everything around me seemed so bleak. I questioned myself constantly because of that moment. It was like an age of innocence had disappeared in that 5 minutes of being behind those closed doors. From that moment on I became a static of young girls who were molested by someone they knew and it changed me in ways I couldn’t understand. I lost trust in my parents, but even worse I lost trust in myself. Every time I was able to be alone with my thoughts visions of that moment kept replaying over and over again and the years to come of visiting that house was no longer full of joyful memories, they were filled with confusion.

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At 15 years old I ran away from my home for a weekend because of all the domestic violence I was experiencing at home and over that weekend I was raped by my ex-boyfriend. When I came back home I carried a ton of shame, guilt, and fear. "How do I tell my parents?" "Is this my fault?" "How did I put myself in this situation?" "What could I have done to have a different outcome?" "Who will ever love or accept me now?" These were just a few of the thoughts that stirred in my mind for months as I kept my sexual assault to myself. Hiding that event from everyone led to extreme depression and a lack of self-worth which resulted in my suicide attempt 6 months later.

My dad found me in the bathroom passed out on my own vomit and quickly rushed me to the emergency room. I remember waking up handcuffed to a hospital bed with a tube down my throat and the taste of charcoal in my mouth used to absorb the painkillers from my stomach. This was just the beginning of years of family therapy, anti-depressants, and coping with mental illness.

Being raised in a traditional Filipino home, my parents were the type who didn’t discuss “feelings” or “emotions”. This was something their culture didn’t talk about back home in the Philippines and an illness that was rarely discussed since they shoved it under the rug.

Suicide is so real. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness also states that suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., the third leading cause of death for people aged 10–14, and the second leading cause of death for individuals aged 15–24.

Warning signs can be hard to detect especially because these days there are a lot of people who can be high functioning and can be suffering from depression.

Warning Signs (according to the National Alliance of Mental Illness)

Here are a few other warning signs of suicide:

• Increased alcohol and drug use

• Aggressive behavior

• Withdrawal from friends, family and community

• Dramatic mood swings

• Impulsive or reckless behavior

Suicidal behaviors are a psychiatric emergency. If you or a loved one starts to take any of these steps, seek immediate help from a health care provider or call 911:

• Collecting and saving pills or buying a weapon

• Giving away possessions

• Tying up loose ends, like organizing personal papers or paying off debts

• Saying goodbye to friends and family

If you are unsure, a licensed mental health professional can help assess.

Support In A Crisis

When a suicide-related crisis occurs, friends and family are often caught off-guard, unprepared, and unsure of what to do. The behaviors of a person experiencing a crisis can be unpredictable, changing dramatically without warning.

There are a few ways to approach a suicide-crisis:

• Talk openly and honestly. Don’t be afraid to ask questions like: “Do you have a plan for how you would kill yourself?”

• Remove means such as guns, knives or stockpiled pills

• Calmly ask simple and direct questions, like “Can I help you call your psychiatrist?”

• If there are multiple people around, have one person speak at a time

• Express support and concern

• Don’t argue, threaten or raise your voice

• Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong

• If you’re nervous, try not to fidget or pace

• Be patient

Holding Space for a Loved One with Suicidal Ideation

If a family or friend is currently struggling with suicidal ideation or if you’re concerned with their mental health, let them know that they can talk openly with you about what they are going through.

• Try to adopt an open, compassionate, and non-judgmental approach to the conversation. Instead of “arguing” or trying to disprove any negative statements

• Use active listening techniques

• Affirm their feelings so that they feel seen and heard

• Ask questions only to ensure understanding and most importantly

• Visualize what your friend might be experiencing

Suicide Prevention Organizations and Resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Website: http://www.sprc.org/

SPRC is one of the most comprehensive resources for suicide prevention. In addition to information and training, they offer a hotline to help anyone who’s experiencing suicidal ideation: 1-800-273-TALK. Their website has links to resources in different states and a video providing advice on how to help support those considering suicide.

1-800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741) Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more

Chat: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

Website: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml

This website has lots of information about mental illness and suicide prevention, including statistics, symptoms, treatment options, and risk factors. It also provides resources that can help people understand the connection between suicide and other mental health issues such as depression, bipolar disorder, and more.

Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide (SPTS)

Website: http://www.sptsusa.org/

Teen suicide is a growing problem in America and many other countries. SPTS is a nonprofit organization created by parents whose teen children died by suicide. It’s dedicated to helping to reduce the problem of teen suicide by providing resources for teens, parents, and educators. SPTS also pushes for legislation requiring teachers to undergo training in suicide prevention.

Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention

Website: http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org/resources

This is a public and private alliance of organizations dedicated to preventing suicide. The Action Alliance works with many groups, including government agencies, religious groups, schools, and mental health organizations to help people understand and prevent suicide.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)

Website: https://afsp.org/find-support/resources/

The AFSP website has a long list of resources including crisis hotlines, advice for finding mental health care, substance misuse treatment, and resources for issues such as self-harm, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and other issues that often overlap with suicide. The AFSP also provides help to people who have lost loved ones to suicide.

The Trevor Project

Website: www.thetrevorproject.org/

Founded in 1998 by the creators of the Academy Award-winning short film TREVOR, The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ young people under 25.

There is always hope. I see you. I hear you!