Navigating Hard Conversations in a Healthier Way
The holidays are just around the corner which means family interactions and the possibility of conflict and hard conversations. When I was getting my life coach certification through JRNI Coaching, I referred to myself as the Queen of Messy Conversations. I'm an advocate for hard messy conversations. Hard conversations are a part of life and a part of any type of relationship -- interpersonal and professional. They are the kind that is vulnerable, raw, and can have the potential to lead to a lot of emotions. Which for some can be really uncomfortable and triggering. BUT the beauty of hard messy conversations is that they have the ability to create the most beautiful transformations in any relationship.
You know when you need to have a hard messy conversation because deep inside something is stirring up within you to speak your truth. We often avoid these hard messy conversations because of the fear of conflict or how the other person might react or what they might say, but avoiding them can lead YOU to discontent and living in discomfort. When you're living in discontent, then everyone around you is impacted.
If you can change the relationship you have to hard messy conversations then they don't have to be as scary and with a little practice and some tools, you can begin to have them with more ease. Here are a few steps on how to navigate those hard messy conversations in a healthy way.
Ground yourself through breath and drop into your body.
Before you get into a hard, messy conversation with someone check yo' self before you wreck yo' self. Drop into your body and do a quick check-in to see what sensations are present in your body before the conversation. If you're sensing a little bit of tightness or anxiousness in the body recognize where it is and see if that sensation has a voice. What is it saying to you? Then breathe into that sensation. A simple 4 count box breath stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system and allows the body to release. It also releases the hormone acetylcholine which slows down the heart rate.
Resource yourself.
A resource is a stock or supply of practices, people. or other assets that can be drawn on by a person in order to function effectively. Some examples of what could belong on a resource list include eating, water, therapy, calling a friend, or listening to hype you up song. Before going into a hard conversation check to see if you've eaten, moved your body, or have had a good night's sleep. It's hard to effectively and clearly communicate when you're under-resourced.
Ask for consent.
Asking for consent shows a deep sign of respect for the other person and yourself. It also helps to prepare the other person for the conversation and it invites them into the conversation rather than feeling blindsided by it. A simple way to approach this would be to say, "Hey love, I have something vulnerable and difficult for me to talk to you about. Would this be something you're open to having a conversation with me about?" Make no assumptions based on your relationship status. Consent will show respect for one another and autonomy.
Consider the set, setting, and intention of the conversation.
I pulled this one from psychedelic therapy and it completely applies to hard conversations and conflict. Set is the headspace, mood, and psychological baggage that you bring into the conversation. What is the attitude your bringing to the conversation? If it's relaxed and positive despite the topic, the conversation has a better chance to go more smoothly. The mind you bring to meditation is the mind you bring to the conversation.
Setting simply refers to components that make up the environment the conversation is happening in. Is the environment calming and peaceful or is it chaotic?
Intention setting is a beautiful and powerful way to guide the outcome of the conversation. Maybe you just want space held for you to be seen and heard or maybe you want to come to an agreement about some decisions. Once an intention is set it can help guide the conversation back to its original intentions if it starts to become derailed at some point.
Pace the conversation.
Every person has different emotional and intellectual capacities. Pacing the conversation can allow each person to process and digest the information in the time that they need. If you have a long laundry list of things to discuss, break it down and time it if needed.
Same team/common goal.
Chances are you're having a hard conversation with someone you care about whether it’s your romantic partner, co-worker, family member, or friend. These important and impactful people in your life are on your team and you probably have a pretty common goal, to be understood by one another. Remind yourself of this when you're in the middle of your conversation.
Find common ground in the middle of the conversation.
Sometimes in a hard conversation, things get a little messy and can result in conflicting points of view. Coming to a mutual understanding or agreeing to disagree can help ease any stress of the situation and keep the tension rising any further. This also allows for each person to have the ability to take ownership of their own lived experienced and allows both to coexist simultaneously.
Always do a little aftercare.
After having a hard conversation I suggest doing a little communication after-care. After-care is all about pampering and soothing. It is as much about physical comfort as it is emotional support. Hard conversations and conflict can cause a lot of emotional labor and a bit of compassion fatigue. It's important to restore yourself after these types of conversations. Some things you can do for aftercare are journaling, meditation, take a walk, or shower.
Always reflect back at the conversation to celebrate how you might have shown up differently. Celebrate the wins. If there is something you would've wanted to do differently, then make a note of it and commit to doing better next time
