I had a funeral for my ex husbands wife, my old former self

Two weeks ago it dawned on me. I was no longer mourning the loss of the marriage, the loss of the hopes and dreams I once had of everything I had worked hard to create, the family I once thought I had and the one I had hoped to build in this new iteration of my marriage 2.0 which included the polyamorous relationship that the family and the world was starting to become acclimated to.

I was laying in bed with my partner Chris (who will have a former introduction to my readers and audience soon) during our time in Joshua Tree and said to him as he held me crying, “I think I’m done mourning the marriage. I think I’m now mourning the loss of my former self.” I cried some more and he just held me closer while holding me safely in the warmth of his embrace.

I’m a fan of rituals, maybe it’s the bougie bruja in me or the Scorpio in me or both, and a funeral ritual seemed like the perfect way to honor and celebrate the closing of a chapter and the death of a former self and rebirth of a new one.

“I think I’m done mourning the marriage. I think I’m now mourning the loss of my former self.”

For this ritual, I decided to call on one of my bougie brujas, Ann Nguyen, who happens to be another sexual empowerment coach and powerful force of nature. When I told her about my idea two weeks ago she was all for it and loved it for me. As I began to think about what this ritual would be for I knew I needed to write a eulogy and gather some old things that embodied the old archetype I was letting go of. Since we had moved into our new home a few months ago I didn’t have very many artifacts left of my former self except a few trinkets, an old ring, and a photo of “Jon’s wife”. I even wore a dress that I absolutely adored and Jon didn’t like on me when I first bought it.

Ann asked me if there was somewhere I wanted to go for this and I said Montara State Beach. This beach holds some significance for me as a place where I would go when I was consumed by all the drama in my family home as a teen. And this beach was a place where I would come to in the early part of my relationship to Jon when we would get into fights and I needed a place to cool off.

Leading up to the week of my funeral ritual I knew I had some things to prepare. Life has been chaos lately— trying to recalibrate myself in this new space/routine of life, helping the girls adjust to the change, and negotiating terms with my ex who hasn’t been the best communicator since I asked for the divorce. I put all the plans aside and scrambled to make last minute plans.

Two days before the funeral I had this brilliant idea to celebrate this wonderful woman with a beautiful indulgent meal. She loved fine dining and collecting Michelin star restaurant experiences was one of her favorite things to do before she became “GOFITJO” so I researched for a restaurant and got reservations for a prix fixe meal at Commis in Oakland. The original reservation was for 3 and I giggled thinking to myself, “damn this bitch’s ghosts still wants to celebrate, I guess we’re dining with her too.” I emailed Commis to let them know that we were honoring a celebration of life dinner and death of loved one and only needed a reservation with two and accommodated the change, but I still had to pay for the reservation which is better than paying for the “dead’s meal.”

the day of the funeral

A few hours before the funeral ritual I got a text from Jon letting me know he was approving the marital separation agreement. Then I received the official email that he had approved to the divorce terms. It was pure cosmic alignment. “How could this be happening today in this moment? HOLY SHIT! What a cosmic alignment.” I thought to myself. I went home after meeting a friend at the lake and started to get ready for the day. I scrambled to gather all the things at home to bring to the funeral and I headed to Ann’s place to pick her up. We discussed ceremony plans and food options for the beach and quickly ran to her neighborhood grocery store to pick up a decadent arrangement of charcuterie and a bottle of Veuve Cliquot. “Only the best for the best!” I squealed coming down the aisle with a bottle of bubbles.

We got to the beach and set up our picnic area and then the ritual space, putting all of the things I brought from home and Ann created a ring of flowers from a bouquet she had bought.

I asked her to sit next to me while I say my final words to Jon’s wife. I spent two hours writing this entire eulogy and used none of it. Instead I spoke some really powerful words that came straight from my heart. It went something along the lines of what I wrote below:

Joanne, Jon’s wife, what can I say about the life you’ve lived these past 12 years? You’ve lived it, you were present in all your pain and healing. I don’t have to remind you of the strength you embody or the love you continuously gave all the way to the end. But what I haven’t had too many chances to say and what I won’t have the moments with you to say is this thank you for setting me free.Thank you for doing the hard work for your own liberation.

Thank you for healing your wounds so deeply, fuck Queen you are so incredibly powerful to witness. I see you. I hear you. I love you.

Thank you for the courageous act of being the one who had to make the hard choice of leaving behind a beautiful life in order to give me, my daughters, and even Jon a chance to live and love in a completely new and brave way. You’ve always been the one searching for ways to create more stability in your life even when others didn’t understand the significance. You enforced a hard boundary even when you didn’t want to. AND I am so incredibly grateful for this new chance of life, I won’t let you down. I won’t let me down. I won’t let us down.

You we’re so loved and still are. Look around you and the increíble supportive humans who carried you through all the way till the end like Ann and all the many other women who have been here guiding you and holding you ever step of the way. You love so hard that you are never alone. May that fear rest with you.

I am forever grateful for the warrior you are and that spirit will always be in me. You have become a queen in so many ways and your power will always live on. You don’t have to carry a heavy load. But you don’t have to fight anymore. You don’t have to struggle for the need for love because you are love yourself. You get to rest in bliss bitch! It’s my turn.

Rest in blIss bitch!

After the funeral ritual, Ann told me to pick up each flower in the circle we created and as I picked each one up to say a thought or memory to myself before tossing them into the ocean. I chose affirmations that both my former self and my future self embody in my present moment. These parts of me I was giving back to Mother Earth so she could transcend them into a more beautiful and expanded version.

When the ritual was done we walked back to our picnic area and celebrated with a beautiful spread of charcuterie and bubbles, the perfect way to end this part of the ritual.

Before the day I picked up my partner Chris and we were off to Commis for the celebration of life meal. We ate a beautiful 11 course meal and celebrated the wonderful woman who brought me in to this world, a woman who was dedicated to her own conscious rebellion who bravely broke outside of every box the world tried to keep her in.

“Welcome to your rebirth.”

— Chris Messina

Chris and I arrived back at his place, looked at the clock and noticed it was 12:01am and he said to me “Well…welcome to your rebirth.”

Have the damn funeral ritual!

Waking up this morning I feel incredibly delightful with the beautiful alignment that is life. There is a deep resonance and power in contextualizing experiences, a funeral of your former self is one of them.

If you’re going through an upleveling of your life or a significant life change having a funeral for your former self can be a beautiful symbol to honor your past self. Gather some artifacts in your home, write a eulogy, light a candle, and celebrate and honor yourself deeply. That version of you deserves to rest in bliss knowing that version of you who is emerging is more powerful because of the lessons you’ve learned in your past life.

Cheers!