Mending my broken heart and fractured foot

This summer was not the summer I expected. I found myself reaching new heights and experiencing inevitable lows, much like the fluctuating summer breezy days and cool nights.

The beauty of being human is experiencing these different temperatures of life and giving ourselves permission to be vulnerable, to feel, to learn, to grow, to expand, and to contract.

I came into the month of June expecting it would be a month of huge expansion! The end of school was finally here, which meant I would have a small reprieve moving into the summer custody schedule of my youngest staying at their dad’s for a week instead of the normal two weekends a month during the school year schedule.

And so my perceived need for constant busyness and overachievement subconsciously crept in. I knew there was a possibility that my PTSD or trauma response was kicking in, but I decided to dismiss it, knowing that I was no longer in an environment where my partner would guilt or shame me for working. This meant I could pour my energy into my fitness goals, business, and social life and convinced myself, “I could do all the things.”

I dove headfirst into planning all the multiple projects, constantly filling up my schedule with work, and making plans for my new fitness routine, social engagements, and personal goals. I can’t believe I’m typing this out but I was capitalizing my newfound freedom simply to prove to myself how much I could do in a short period of time while Liv was away. 

The first social engagement we attended was my dear friend’s birthday party, where I graciously stepped off the curb to get into our Uber and buckled my right knee. The pain in my right knee somehow moved over to the left foot within a week, and I spent the first week and a half weeks of June navigating life with this foot pain that seemed to come out of nowhere. After 10 days of low throbbing pain, I decided to go see the doctor. I was referred to a podiatrist a few days later, where I learned my third metatarsal had a stress fracture. 

I couldn't believe it. A stress fracture? As I sat in the podiatrist's office, listening to him explain the healing process, he told me I needed not to put any weight on my feet,  the need for rest, and limited activity. As the reality of my injury set in, I couldn't help but reflect on the irony of the situation. Here I was, pushing myself to the point of physical injury, all in the pursuit of proving something to myself. But now, I had no choice but to stop and listen to what my body told me. 

I had become so consumed with the need to prove myself to myself and take advantage of every moment of freedom that I had neglected to do the very thing I remember whispering to myself at the end of May; this summer would be a summer of rest. Of course, my stubborn ass didn't listen. So in comes the Goddess herself, along with my ancestors, forcing me to slow down and reevaluate my priorities. 

This was not the summer I had envisioned, but perhaps it was exactly what I needed. It was a gentle nudge to remind me to slow down and honor my capacity and give my temple body exactly what she’s been craving for after these past three years of one major life transition to the next.

As the days passed, I found myself grieving. I mourned the loss of the plans and goals I had set for myself this month.  I mourned the loss of the active lifestyle I had envisioned, the hikes and outdoor adventures that would now have to be put on hold.  As I allowed myself to sit with these feelings of disappointment, I realized that perhaps this was an opportunity for a different kind of growth. 

This injury forced me to confront a trauma response that I know oh too well. It was a pattern that had followed me throughout my life - the need to constantly prove myself, to push myself to the brink of exhaustion in order to prove my worth and to engage in controlling behavior to overcompensate for not having control over my past trauma. 

I sat with these realizations, allowing them to sink deep into my being. It was time to break free from this destructive cycle and rewrite the narrative that played on repeat in my mind. 

I needed to relearn the art of surrender, to trust in the process of life instead of constantly striving for perfection and validation.

One of the things I say to my clients over and over again is: 

“Knowledge lives in the mind, wisdom lives in the body.” 

True expansion does not come from external achievements or accomplishments. It comes from within, from finding harmony and cultivating radical self-love. The universe had given me this unforeseen obstacle to not just teach me about the importance of slowing down but to actually embody it. 

I have been yearning to slow down for some time now and have had some messy attempts during the last two years, but now being immobilized, I’m truly being asked to embody rest rather than talk about it. It's as if the Goddess herself is saying, "Okay, you want to slow down? Well, here's your chance. Now let go and surrender. Do you trust me?”

And so, I find myself in this state of stillness, reflection, and deep integration once again, but for a different lesson. In the past, I would have criticized myself for not being able to do all the things I had planned. Truthfully, there’s still a little bit of it, but the emerging Sacred Leader and Fierce Matriarch in me know that listening to these limiting beliefs and self-criticism isn’t the way to heal. Nor is constantly pushing myself to the point of exhaustion is not sustainable, and it's not the kind of life I want to live. 

Instead, I am choosing to see this setback as a chance to meet this trauma response with an incredible amount of self-love and to heal the wounds that have been holding me back. This particular need for busyness is something that has been present in my life for over 20 years, instilled upon me by my immigrant parents, the childhood sexual trauma, and the people pleasing and over-giving in my previous marriage. Recent studies on both survivors of intimate partner violence and survivors of childhood sexual abuse showed that both populations had a predisposition to PTSD that can lead to overworking themselves. 

Trauma survivors often fill their schedules for various reasons. These motivations typically arise from a mixture of factors, such as being conditioned to prioritize others' needs, trying to evade confronting emotions, and resorting to controlling behaviors to compensate for the lack of control over their traumatic experiences. 

I’ve been aware of these deeply ingrained patterns driving my need for constant busyness and validation. But now, with this injury forcing me to slow down, I have the opportunity to break free from their grip and change the narrative of the limiting beliefs and thoughts I’ve been carrying around and to truly embody what I’ve been telling my trauma body and fear body for the last two years. 

If you relate to some of these patterns, then maybe some of the questions I’ve been asking myself for the past few days might be useful for you too. 

• Do you have any unresolved trauma?

• How do you generally cope with your feelings and emotions?

• How would you describe your overall emotional state currently?

• Does the absence of responsibilities or unstructured time make you feel uncomfortable or anxious?

• If you find yourself with unstructured time unexpectedly, do you immediately try to fill it with distractions, such as scrolling through social media?

• Do you feel like you stay busy as a way to avoid certain things?

• Is your busyness driven by a specific purpose, such as pursuing a degree or saving for a home down payment?

These questions are not meant to induce shame or guilt but rather to encourage gentle and honest introspection. It's important to remember that we all have unique experiences and journeys, and there is no right or wrong way to navigate them. Taking the time to reflect on these patterns and their origins can be a powerful step toward healing and growth.

When we acknowledge and address our unresolved trauma, we create space for healing and allow ourselves to break free from the cycle of busyness and overwork. It's important to find healthy and sustainable coping mechanisms that allow us to process our emotions and take care of ourselves. This may involve seeking a coach, therapist, or support from loved ones, practicing self-care activities, or engaging in creative outlets that bring us joy.

Our emotional state is ever-changing, and it's important to check in with ourselves regularly to ensure we are prioritizing our well-being. If we find ourselves feeling anxious or uncomfortable with unstructured time, it may be a sign that we are using busyness as a means of avoiding certain emotions or experiences. In these moments, it's helpful to practice mindfulness and reflection, allowing ourselves to sit with our discomfort and explore its underlying causes.

It's also important to examine the purpose behind our busyness. Are we engaging in multiple projects and commitments because they align with our values and passions, or are we using them to prove our worth or gain validation from others? If your answer to this question happens to be, “I’ve always been like this, this is all how I’ve ever known myself to be.” I invite you to take this inquiry a little deeper and ask yourself when did you begin behaving this way and what was the event that caused you to be this? By understanding the motivations behind our actions, we can make intentional choices that align with our true desires and values.

This journey of introspection and healing takes time and patience. It's okay to stumble along the way, but what matters is our willingness to learn and grow. So take a moment to reflect on these questions, and be gentle with yourself as you navigate the complexities of your own healing journey. The beauty in unfolding lies within the transformative power of self-discovery, self-compassion, and radical self-love.