3 reasons why we don’t let ourselves be happy

Have you ever felt so incredibly happy with your life and wondered to yourself "When will the shoe drop? Will this happiness last? Do I need to brace myself for something bad waiting to happen?"

3 reasons why we don’t let ourselves be happy

If you have, you're not alone. I've been there and for years I used to live preparing myself for the next bad thing whether it was health-related, work, my relationships, something in parenting, my love life, the list goes on. The story or mindset of having to be prepared for loss is the part of ourselves that's trying to protect us from the feeling of pain or loss.

When it comes to our own happiness, many of us are familiar with the pattern of taking two steps forward, one step back. I self-sabotaged my own happiness by allowing these thoughts to keep me from pursuing my own joy.

Why does this happen?

If I can be radically honest, it's pure SELF-DENIAL. We tend to think that when we are in pursuit of what sets our soul on fire, it's selfish or irresponsible. This inner-critic becomes triggered when we take steps forward towards happiness and reminds us to stay in place and in our comfort zones.

Let me tell you, that inner-critic is a real BITCH and loves to build on old attitudes and stories that feel familiar.

How do you get rid of the inner critic?

Some people say getting rid of it is the best way, but I've found that if you don't make friends with the inner-critic within us it'll find a way back and sometimes it comes back hard with vengeance. By learning to listen to the inner critic, we gain a better understanding of why it defeats our well-being. We also gain the strength needed to overcome the obstacles and allow ourselves to be open to our own happiness.

3 reasons why we don't let ourselves be happy:

1. It disrupts our sense of identity.

So much of how we live our lives and the beliefs we live our lives are based on stories that were passed down to us when we were younger. The negative ways we were viewed by our own families or by the people we were exposed to in our early years influence our identity.

I often ask people the following questions when it comes to understanding the stories we tell ourselves:

• "Who was the first person who told you that taking care of yourself was a selfish act?”

• “When was the first time you realized you weren’t worthy of love or happiness?”

• “If you could go back to the first moment that someone told you your happiness wasn’t important, what would you tell your younger self?”

2. IT Challenges our defenses.

Inside of us are a set of protectors designed to keep us safe from whatever might hurt us. We build these defenses to adapt to undesirable elements from our early environment, but as we get older these defenses are no longer needed. However, they often can remain very alive within us. If we were often mistreated or misunderstood, we might feel scared to succeed or to step out of that comfort zone because we’ve become so used to the feeling of defending and protecting ourselves.

3. We are forced to feel pain.

Going after our happiness is vulnerable and exposes us to pain. For some it can open up old wounds in an unexpected way. We can’t selectively numb pain without also numbing joy. One of my favorite writers and researchers Brené Brown said it so beautifully, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”

These feelings are all part of the human condition. We can’t have one without the other.

How to pursue your own happiness?

I believe we have multiple purposes in life, but the one that I think we are all trying to figure out for ourselves is what will make us truly happy? The strange thing about this pursuit is that it’s the one thing we’re often resistant to, but deeply longing for.

No one else can tell us what will make you happy or what’s important to you. That’s something we have to determine for ourselves, and once we do, it’s our responsibility to fight for it and hold on to it.

Here are four ways to pursue the happiness you long for:

• Don’t go it alone. I want you to repeat these words in your head: YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE! Share your journey, tell someone your goals, and create a community of friends and a support system that help you feel accountable.

• Recognize a pattern to your inner critic and the self sabotaging behavior. This will help you recognize your triggers. Once you have the awareness around them, you can create an empowered choice to act against them.

• Don’t take the victim mentality. Nothing, not even your past can control you.

• Recognize that you are capable, relentless, and a work in progress.

Every single day and moment in your life is a chance to recognize the growth within yourself as you align yourself closer to what makes you happy. Honor the person you are becoming. Your happiness matters and creates a ripple effect to those around you.

My outfit in this post is by Athleta.

Sharing all my latest Athleta looks that I picked up in store below!

photos by Chris Messina

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