How to identify unhealthy relationships?
Relationships are by far the most complicated interactions you will encounter in your lifetime and some of your greatest teachers about yourself. When you are in a relational ship, you get an intimate view of your own shadows, your greatness, and your potential if you are open, ready, and willing to learn.
In the field of chemistry, we know that certain things don’t mix well. Certain things combined create toxic matter, while other things combined become supportive tonics and remedies. This is also true for combinations of people.
I rarely view people as toxic. As a matter of fact, I think it's dangerous to label someone as toxic because then we box them into this category that doesn't allow for growth or possibility. To me there are no “toxic people” there are just toxic combinations that are not compatible with you. Just like chemistry what’s wrong for one element or compound can be right for another.
Some combinations can create healing tonics that sustainably nurture your soul, I like to refer to these people as soul medicine. While other combinations formulate chaotic combustion, sometimes immediately and sometimes later like a ticking time bomb.
Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of a toxic combination can be subtle or highly obvious. Here are a few signs to consider:
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Lack of support
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Unhealthy communication
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Constant Stress
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Hoping for Change
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Walking on eggshells
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Disrespecting your boundaries
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Are repeatedly unreliable and inconsiderate
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Downplay your emotions, feelings, thoughts, and ideas
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Negative financial behaviors
While I don’t believe in toxic people, I do believe that there are right people vs wrong people and this is where your own discernment and inner wisdom come in to determine who belongs to which list. Knowing when to walk away or stay and wait for change and growth is only something you can determine. However, if only one person is committed to making the healthy and necessary changes than the likelihood of change won’t happen.
Here are a few other signs that you might be able to work things out:
The willingness to invest and evolve
You both display an attitude of openness and willingness to invest in making the relationship better.
Acceptance of responsibility
Recognizing and bringing to awareness the past patterns and behaviors is vital on both ends. Self-awareness combined with self-responsibility reflects an interest to save the relationship.
Shift from blaming to understanding
Many problems in relationships are caused by one or both partners fighting to “win” or to claim the victim role. A path forward requires everyone to stop playing the blame game.
Open to receiving outside help
This is key! Sometimes when people are too deep in their own shadows it’s hard to face the truth that outside help from professionals like coaches or therapists, together, individually, or BOTH!
Heal individually
I cannot stress this enough! Doing the deep inner work to know your self-worth, your boundaries, and radically accepting and integrating the shadow parts of yourself is crucial to showing up as a whole person in any relationship.
A common relationship trap is thinking the other person can make you whole. Healthy and secure attachments are when two or more people show up as 100% their whole selves. Everyone commits to doing the necessary work it takes to being 100% themselves while committing 100% to the relationship.
You are the chemist of your life and the architect of your life. You have the power to combine people and opportunities in your life in order to become more empowered.
