I put on 15lbs and it didn't kill me
I got on the scale for the first time in almost 2 years today because I wanted to try this Naked Labs 3D body scanner. I read my metrics and I didn't feel any negative reactions to it which is remarkable considering I spent a good portion of my life hating my body, hating all the numbers I ever saw on the scale, or measurements I was given.
Being a short Filipino-American womxn I've always struggled with knowing what my "ideal" body image or standard of beauty was. I mean let's be real when I was 14-17 years old (over 20 years ago) the only romanticized beauty standards in wellness were tall, lean, long, blonde, and white. I've mentioned this before, colorism runs deep in the Filipino culture thanks to colonialism and I experienced colorism, body shaming, and so much more growing up.
Anyways back to my body scan. I put on almost 15 lbs in the past 2 years, my fat percentage is higher than I would prefer, and my body composition has definitely changed due to the lack of consistency in training and higher intensity movement. The beauty of all of this is that I don't have any judgments whatsoever about my body or the data from the body scan. I didn't once say "Oh Jo, you let yourself go." I'm aware that in the past 2 years I focused on my education, my career, rebuilding a life in a new city, and experiencing the fullest and most loving filled life I have yet experienced. I have ZERO regrets and I wouldn't change the last 2 years of the spiritual growth and internal healing that I fully immersed myself in. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I wrote these words to myself while journaling this morning.
Dear Jo,
You didn’t let your ‘“self” go.
You gave your self space and time to evolve and expand. Self-love, self-acceptance, and self-discovery is never linear. The healthy and happy version you imagined over 5 years ago was a version that only saw nutrition and exercise as the two pillars of wellness. But what you discovered over the years was more. You realized that health and wellness are more than what you eat and how you move. You began to see that the number of hours spent in the gym didn’t mean you more determined to improve your life. You learned that true happiness meant that you were living in your truth no matter how hard that truth might be. You discovered that the reasons why so many women, including yourself, have stories of pain and struggle in all areas of their life that need to be rewritten in order to grow into something new. You found that the source of your body image issues was because of unprocessed sexual trauma that left you confused about how to treat your body. You realized that loving yourself didn’t mean loving the version you’re working to become, but that truly loving yourself requires a deep level of self compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness for who you were then, now, and will be.
You never let your “self” go. Instead you created a new self, a #womxninprogress. A womxn who is constantly evolving, growing, and stretching in ways you never once imagined. You never let your self go, because your self worth was never found in the shape of your body, weight on the scale, or the size of your clothes. Your self worth has always and will always be in how you love yourself and the world around you.
You never let your “self” go. You became yourself.
We are our best storytellers. What story will you tell yourself about your journey?
