How to Get Out of Emotional Debt

First, you're probably wondering, WTF is emotional debt? 

Emotional Debt is a term to describe the accumulation of unresolved emotions that one holds on to when an issue goes unresolved. One can often get stuck in a cycle replaying the same unconscious patterns that caused those issues in the first place. We can build up more emotional debt during times of adversity by putting our head down to get on with it or to move on with processing. At times, we're putting more credit in than usual (yay!) and at other times, circumstances force us to become a little overdrawn.  At some point, we need to repay that emotional debt.

Paying back the debt is simple, but not easy. In order to pay back, the emotional debt one has to FEEL IT.  We have to feel those hidden and dark emotions and understand where they are coming from and what's the root cause of it. We have to accept them for as they are and make them a part of who we are. One has to integrate these parts through radical self-acceptance to heal it.

When there's too much emotional debt we're no longer in charge -- the emotions are. They can come out when you least expect it and it can lead to a serious meltdown leaving someone overdrawn and feeling lost. Emotional debt can affect your sex life and your relationships. Often times the first emotional debt we incur happens in our formative years while in a relationship with our parents, our first attachment figures. These are where the first core wounds of self-worth often stem from and the birthplace of our first emotional debt.

Through inner work, you can begin to see the negative thought patterns, shame cycles, and unconscious patterns that keep you playing the same story over and over again. You learn new tools over time that help you pay off the debt and keep it from accumulating in the future.

6 Steps to Get out of Emotional Debt

1. Be radically honest with yourself.  The first and hardest step is always admitting to yourself that you're stuck in the same pattern of accumulating debt. By facing things and telling the truth about them, we experience great relief and freedom. One example of this that is common for a lot of women is overworking and wearing ourselves out. Take a brief moment to get down to the nitty-gritty. Why do I find myself overworking? (Write down the first answer that comes to mind). To prove my self worth to my mom. To prove I'm a hard-working mother. Why do you want to prove your worth to your mom? So that she sees the value in me.

   The truth is we lack that deep unconditional love within ourselves and radical self-acceptance for our flaws and greatness. We seek that validation externally and when we do that it no longer becomes self-worth it becomes other-worth.

   Once you tell the truth, you shift a pattern. Like the old saying "The truth with set you free" and it always does.

2. Cultivate Self-Awareness. Once you tell the truth, pay attention to your patterns. If you notice yourself overdelivering in work or in life, bring awareness to it at that moment. Name it to tame it! You might notice the desire to prove your worth to others and the pattern of working overtime or on the weekends.

   Nothing needs to be changed, just take a mental note or journal about it and witness this unconscious conditioning over the next few weeks.

3. Take messy and inspired action, only if you feel called to. Now that you have awareness you have the most empowering tool ever in your own body. The power of choice. In the example of overworking for validation, if notice yourself having the desire to no longer work overtime, then make the conscious choice to not work past 5pm. You now have the empowered choice of knowing what action to take based on what feels right for you based on your awareness. This my love is empowerment.

4. Tell your ego to STFU. Our egos like to play tricks on us and keeps our pain-body in the same place. The brain loves patterns. It can replay the same conditioning over and over again unconsciously, like being on auto-pilot. If you notice limiting beliefs or old patterns come up, notice them, but don't buy into the story. Tell your ego to have a sit in the corner.

5. Take risks. Fear likes to keep us "safe" and in our comfort zone. If we want to move forward in any area of our lives we have to break the pattern by writing a new story for ourselves. Sometimes we have to take risks in order to heal the deepest pains of past in order to move forward.

6. Microdose pleasure and joy! Inner work or personal improvement can be hard and sometimes scary especially if it's your first time really looking at some of the more deeply woven patterns. When you begin to pay down your emotional debt you have space for other new experiences, fill that space with pleasure and joy. Create a delight list of pleasure practices that bring you joy. One of my favorite pleasure practices is dancing in the sunlight!

This year leave behind that emotional debt from your past -- tell the truth about it and then put awareness on it. In no time you'll be able to feel closer to your freedom from the past and your personal liberation.

If you’re not sure where to begin, book a Quickie Breakthrough Session with me. I can help you get to the root cause of these unconscious conditioning in 60 minutes and provide you with some action steps to keep you from cycling in the same patterns.