The Art of Asking for Help: Why It's So Hard and How to Overcome Barriers
Content warning: content includes mentions of suicide and sexual trauma
Throughout the years I’ve accumulated many tools and wellness practices into my life to help me cope and manage depression, including meditation, breathwork, yoga, sensual self-care, and journaling.
The one resource that has been really sticky to incorporate is receiving love and support from my loved ones. Throughout my adolescent and my early adult years asking for emotional support from family and past partners was a challenge. I grew up in a traditional Filipino household where mental and emotional health were never a priority and rarely talked about due to the stigma and shame around the topic.
One of the gifts this current season with depression is giving me is the gift to rewrite a lot of the stories of trauma around asking for and receiving support when my mental health isn’t at capacity.
If you’re someone who has experienced an adverse childhood, asking for help might be tougher due to family of origin experiences. If the messages you got, overtly or covertly, taught you that reaching out was unacceptable, futile, or would cause more pain, it makes sense that you would go it alone whenever possible. If you were raised to believe that reaching out for help was unacceptable, futile, or would cause more pain, it makes sense that you would avoid reaching out in the future.
As human beings, we all have a natural instinct to want to be self-sufficient and independent. We like to think that we can handle everything on our own, and we often take pride in being able to do so.
However, there are times when we need help or support from others, and asking for help can be a difficult thing to do.
Here are some of the reasons why asking for help can be hard and some tips for overcoming these barriers:
1.Fear of Rejection
One of the biggest reasons why people find it hard to ask for help is the fear of rejection. We all have a deep-seated need to be accepted and valued by others, and when we ask for help, we open ourselves up to the possibility of being rejected. This fear can be so overwhelming that it prevents us from even trying to seek assistance, even when we know we need it.
2. Pride
Another common reason why people find it hard to ask for help is pride. We don't want to admit that we need assistance because we don't want to appear weak or vulnerable. We may feel like asking for help is a sign of failure, and we don't want others to see us in that way.
3. Self-Sufficiency
Many people have been raised to value self-sufficiency and independence. Asking for help may feel like we're admitting that we can't handle things on our own, which can be challenging for those who have been taught to rely solely on themselves.
4. Perceived Burden
Asking for help can also feel like we're burdening others with our problems. We may feel like we're inconveniencing them or taking up their time and resources. This feeling can be especially challenging for people who have a hard time receiving help from others.
Like many other things, I believe this has its roots in family-of-origin experiences. If asking for help is hard for you, take some time to consider the following:
While you were growing up what kind of messages did you get about asking for help?
Did your family place more value on “doing it yourself” or “letting others in?”
When you did attempt to reach out in childhood, how did the people in your life respond?
It can be helpful to have an awareness of where these beliefs and feelings come from, as this can help us to address them more effectively. Once we understand why asking for help is hard, we can begin to take steps to overcome these barriers.
The most important thing is to recognize that asking for help does not make you weak or inadequate – in fact, it’s a sign of strength and resilience. It’s okay to need a little help from time to time, and the people who care about you will likely be more than happy to provide it.
Start small by asking for advice rather than outright help. Instead of saying “I need your help,” try saying “Can you help me figure this out?” This will allow you to take more of a collaborative approach and make it easier to ask for help.
Finally, make sure that you express your appreciation when someone does help you. This will remind them that their help and support is appreciated, and it will remind you that there are people who care about you and are willing to lend a hand.
When you're faced with feelings or experiences that are challenging, frightening, or overwhelming, asking for help shows that you care about yourself. Learning to be selective about whom you reach out to can help ensure that you receive a safe and compassionate response.
With a little bit of practice, you can learn how to do so in a way that feels comfortable and empowering.
Tips for Overcoming Barriers to Asking for Help:
Recognize that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes courage to admit that we can't do everything on our own and to reach out to others for support.
Practice vulnerability. Opening up and being vulnerable can be uncomfortable, but it's essential for building meaningful relationships and getting the support we need.
Be specific about what you need. When we ask for help, it's essential to be clear about what we're asking for. This clarity can help others understand how they can assist us and make it easier for them to provide the support we need.
Build a support network. Having a support network of friends, family, and colleagues can make it easier to ask for help when we need it. These relationships can provide us with the emotional and practical support we need to overcome challenges.
Start small. If you're not used to asking for help, start by asking for small favors or assistance with simple tasks. As you become more comfortable with asking for help, you can gradually build up to more significant requests.
By understanding why we may find it hard to ask for help and implementing some of the tips above, we can learn to overcome these barriers and get the support we need to thrive.
"If you or someone you know is struggling with difficult life circumstances or uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, we are here to help. You do not need to be experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings to call. Trained crisis intervention counselors are available to receive crisis calls and give supportive counseling 24 hours a day, every day."
Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
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