I won’t be your token woman of color; I want to be chosen for me.

Two hallmarks of healthy relationships include clear boundaries and proactively communicated expectations. Healthy relationships also allow for space for growth, and include periodic check-ins to realign those boundaries and expectations. 

For some time I’ve been clear that I am a womxn in progress, and I’ve come to realize that being in relationship with a womxn in progress may lead to surprising or uncomfortable twists and turns. While I personally welcome these experiences (AFOGs!) I understand that others may not. 

If you’re a brand, agency, or are otherwise interested in working with me, I wanted to take a moment to set your expectations, share values and beliefs, and ground them in my cultural narrative. Think of this as a kind of Gofitjo Orientation to help you evaluate whether a deeper collaboration makes sense, and how to support a healthy relationship between us.

I am many things but I will not be tokenized 

A “token” is a stand in who plays at the appearance of diversity in an otherwise homogeneous set of people. If you’re looking for a token person of color, that ain’t me.

People don’t follow me because of the color of my skin. People don’t hire me merely for what I look like. People are interested in me for my insights, perspective, values, personality and because I’ve shared my journey through countless failures and eventual triumphs. I’ve worked hard to unlock my voice and to speak up with integrity and without fear, and I welcome the opportunity to work with and support anyone who is interested in all of me, not just my external appearance.

After all, I didn’t plan on becoming a wellness influencer or wellness blogger  when I first became “GOFITJO" in 2014. I simply wanted to share my personal journey of self-discovery and radical self-acceptance. At the time,  I just happened to land on fitness to cope with my anxiety and depression. And my story, and how I told it, resonated.

Prior to starting my fitness journey, I was  Director of Community and Curation at VSCO. As one of the first 15 employees, I was also one of the first female high-level managers. And I happened to be a womxn of color. From the beginning, VSCO’s company culture supported  diversity and inclusion. I believe that they hired me for me. And because of that, I know how it feels to be chosen for more than the color of my skin or my race. 

Aligning our values to create more productive outcomes

I invest myself wholeheartedly in everything I do. I need the brands, companies, and individuals that I collaborate with to do the same. And when it comes to my most productive collaborations, there is alignment in our values and beliefs. We don’t need to agree on everything, but we do need to be moving towards the same ends.

I’d like to share my beliefs and then explain how I came to them.

I believe in inclusion and diversity:

• diversity of thoughts, ideas, beliefs, experiences

• inclusion of people regardless of their race, sex, color, language, national origin, chosen family, religion, disabilities, sexual orientation or age

How I got here

I am first generation Filipino-American and my people were under 400+ years of foreign rule. The Spanish ruled the Philippines for over 333 years (in fact, it was named to honor King Philip II of Spain in 1542). After the Battle of Manila Bay and the Treaty of Paris (1898), rule was transferred to the United States, and then in a brief period between 1942-1945, the Japanese took over. After the conclusion of World War II, the Americans officially granted independence to the Philippines in 1946. 

Pre-Hispanic Philippine society could neither be described as patriarchal nor matriarchal. Before the Spanish colonized the Philippines, there existed a 500-year long tradition of indigenous feminism that predated women’s liberation in the West. We had mystical healers or shamans called Babaylan, whose spiritual connectedness was a source of political and social power. The Babaylan were noble leaders because it wasn’t easy to become one. They were often women, trans women, or feminized men as gender fluidity was widely accepted during pre-colonial times. Babaylan women serve as intermediaries between spiritual and material worlds in their communities. Their leadership roles were multifold: warrior, healer, priestess, and sage. When the Spanish came to the Philippines, the Babaylan were either persecuted or forced to convert to Spanish religions, and any who refused and continued to practice were deemed bruha, or unholy witches. 

I consider myself to be a modern-day bruha, and am actively engaged in decolonizing myself. For example, I was raised by my Filipino immigrant parents to believe that because I had dark skin, I was less than. As a young girl, my mom would use harsh whitening cleansers to try to lighten my beautiful dark skin. Relatives from the Philippines gifted me papaya soap because they were confused that an American-born Filipino girl would still have such dark skin. My mom tried in vain to scrub me down with a river rock to remove any of the libag (dirtiness) from my skin. My parents called me indoors when the sun was out because they worried that if my skin darkened, no man would take me as his wife, or that I’d look poor like I’d been working in the fields. 

Over the years, I’ve come to understand that the preference for lighter skin wasn’t theirs, but their colonizers’. In colonized Filipino culture, lighter skin became associated with more privilege, more opportunities, and a chance to get ahead. Denying the darkness of our skin gave us Filipino kids the impression that we couldn’t be seen and heard.

Coming to the truth of who I am:

As I’ve grew my online community, I’ve consistently attempted to bring lightness and space to stories of otherwise shameful and dark moments. These include my own suicide attempt, sexual trauma, mental wellness, and how I’ve begun to reclaim my sexuality. I’ve shared my experience in hopes that the loneliness and darkness I’ve experienced lightens the load of others struggling with similar isolation and despair.

In developing my identity beyond my race, beyond my gender, beyond motherhood, and beyond sexual heteronormativity, I discovered polyamory. For my entire adult life, I kept secret that I didn’t believe in monogamy. Yes, I was monogamously married for 12 years, but deep down I felt that monogamy didn’t quite fit for me. It wasn’t until late in 2018 that I finally sat down with my husband to reveal this secret to him and talk about what we might do about it. Our messy conversation resulted in a decision to explore polyamory  (i.e. the practice of openly participating in multiple consensual romantic relationships at the same time). We went down this road secretly for almost 2 years and recently shared our story on our new podcast, Hella Married.

During all of this, I’ve been able to support my family financially through brand partnerships, sponsored content, and womxn’s coaching. I’ve had major partnerships with big names like the Gap, adidas, Athleta, Nike, Eko Video, Muscle Milk, and others. In these engagements, I want to believe that I was a chosen womxn of color and not merely a token representative. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that there were a few opportunities that I’m not sure about. Such is the evolution of this business.

This year I’ve seen a  decline in brand partnerships. This coincides with both the pandemic and coming out publicly about my views on relationships while receiving a huge wave of love and support from my GOFITJO community. It’s unclear if these things are connected, but regardless, I am, and will continue to be, a queer poly Filipinx. I am womxn in progress. My path has lead me  radical self-acceptance, and the projects that I want to work on should provide opportunities for others to pursue the same outcome. Real happiness and true human connection is achieved through self-acceptance resulting in personal liberation. So to those who want to work with me; I can;t be your token woman of color; by definition, I am much more than that, and a collaboration gives us both the opportunity to continue to grow and to explore the stories that define each of us.  Choosing to work with me means also choosing me for my beliefs, my story, and my pursuit to create a future where my daughters do not have to scrub off  the color of their skin color or nor mute their preference of who or how to love. 

I will continue to dismantle my own binary beliefs about racism, sexism, classism, and any other “isms” in my life. I invite those who want to work with me to commit to doing the same.

Here are some questions that I often ask of brands, companies, or individuals who choose to work with me: 

• What percentage of the brand's leadership include women of color or minorities? Leadership team would include: C-suite and upper management leadership. (this is important because diversity and inclusion is an internal job before it goes into the hands of marketing or brand campaigns, etc.)

• What are your values and commitment to diversity, and where do they publish that information on their website?

• What steps has the brand taken to create more diversity and inclusion in their marketing campaigns?

• Are you actively creating a safe space for POC to lead and uncomfortable conversations about race without it affecting their job security and position?

• What is the company or brand's general views on LGBTQ+ community (if any)?

• What mentorship programs do they offer to [underprivileged] youth/LGBTQ+ individuals? 

• Which nonprofits do they support, at what dollar amounts, frequencies, and for how long? 

For my fellow bloggers or content creators in this space. Hold the brands and companies you work with accountable. If you value diversity and inclusion in the same way I do, ask the hard questions.

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