Embracing my Authentic Sexuality

Embracing my sexuality wasn’t always easy for me - in fact, it was quite the opposite!

I am the daughter of immigrants, a first-gen Filipino-American who grew up in a family that was wildly uncomfortable with discussing anything related to sex, relationships, and/or money.

On top of that, I was also subjected to the cultural conditioning that many of us have become familiar with, a society that shames and blames women for embracing their bodies, personal power, and sensuality.

Growing up in an immigrant family, conversations around sex, relationships, mental and emotional wellness, and body image issues were never open for discussion. The lack of conversations created a lot of internalized confusion about what it meant to love my body and how to have healthy relationships and communicate.

I experienced sexual abuse at a young age, as a result of growing up in a household that was rocked by domestic violence. After a series of unfortunate events, my depression nearly took my life at only 16 years old. From that point forward, most of my young adult life was spent getting in and out of toxic relationships and healing the wounds that years of trauma had imprinted upon my body.

By my late 20s, I was a young married mother of two who was overworked, anxious, stressed out, and completely disconnected from her body and personal power. On the outside, I looked like I had it all. A husband, two kids, a home, a dog, a wedding photography business, and a successful career in tech after making a huge pivot and leaving my 10-year career as one of SF Bay Area’s top hairstylists. All of the pressure began to build up. I had symptoms of depression similar to the ones I felt before my suicide attempt at 16, and I knew something had to change.

It was 2013; on paper I had everything: I’d had a great career ten-year career as a hairstylist, I was starting a new career in tech as a career coach, I had a husband, we had a business together –  we were living the American dream. According to society and culture, I had it all— including the stress and anxiety that came from people-pleasing and chasing.

One day, while we were getting ready to have a family brunch, I was in front of the mirror.

My eldest daughter came in and told me I looked beautiful. I turned around quickly and said, ‘I’m not – I’m ugly and fat.’The look on her* face…She just took off running.

In that instant, I thought: ‘Holy shit – how can I be a pillar of strength to her if this is what’s coming out of my mouth?’

That moment was a wake-up call; if I don’t value myself now, nobody else will value me.

It felt like there were suddenly so many layers that I needed to peel back.

It was no longer just my life; it was about my kids’ lives too.

I started a wellness journey, you know, the kind where you start a workout program, you share it online on IG, and I started posting consistently to hold myself accountable.

I began to make online friends, gain followers, and discover my love for the community. I had no intention of becoming an “influencer” (the word didn’t even exist back then). My account continued to grow as I shared more and more of my vulnerability and authenticity.

I eventually left my tech career and got certified as a wellness coach specializing in self-love while still focusing heavily on my IG: growing my following, building my own brand, and locking in partnerships with my dream companies.

I loved the life I was creating. I was experiencing levels of self-love I never knew was possible, but there was still a part of me that needed healing.

It was the spring of 2018, and my eldest daughter, Airis, brought home a piece of paper from school and said to me, “We’re about to start sex ed. This is the permission slip.”

My heart and pussy immediately activated. A feeling I had never felt before that moment. It was as if something had come online in me. Maybe it was a calling. Some might call it intuition. Others would say it’s a spirit moving through them.

By this point, I had been five years into my self-love journey and exploring my spiritual journey outside of the confines of religion. I knew if the feeling I had felt was some spirit, it was something beyond the religious belief systems and knowledge my mother taught me.

I knew at that moment that I had to be the one to educate my child about sex, pleasure, and consent. I couldn't rely on the school systems, media, or culture to give her the information she/they needed to navigate safely and confidently through her/their sexuality.

It was going to be me.

And that's when I realized, ‘Holy shit. I can’t teach my kids about sex, pleasure, and consent. I am not empowered in my sexuality; in fact, I feel confused and disconnected.’ There I was, the self-love and empowerment coach who could make powerful moves in her life and business but lacked the power in her body regarding her desires in sex and relationship.

For nearly 20 years I was under the impression that my pleasure was never mine to own, and my body was solely designed for other people’s approval. My complex history of trauma led me to sacrifice my own pleasure and personal desires in the pursuit of pleasing others.

That’s when the journey began, and that’s when I realized that to leave a legacy behind for my daughters of a woman thriving, embodied in her sensuality, and abundant in sexual wealth. I need to define my own story around my sexual expression, body, and choice. I have to design my own sexual culture.

I began to ask myself, “What brings me deep pleasure? What is authentic sexuality? As a mother am I allowed to be sensual? How do I cultivate a strong erotic and relational intelligence built on a foundation of safety, self-love, freedom, peace, and respect? What is my unique and authentic sexual wealth code?”

As the journey unfolded layer by layer, it required me to face my own shadows, wounds of the past, and trauma to heal. The work started by looking at all the stories of shame, guilt, self-abandonment, fear, disgust, and rejection and tracing them back to their origin.

I discovered the power of sacred sexuality, and EVERYTHING CHANGED.

I found my teacher, Layla Martin, and started doing tantric embodiment practices.

I learned how to self-pleasure with intention and use my sexual energy and turn on to empower my life. Through self-pleasure practices, I discovered the power of connecting with my body and pleasure. I began to explore my own unique Erotic and Relational Blueprint, or what I call my "Sexual Wealth Code."

My sexual wealth code is an intimate map of my deepest desires, both in sexuality and relationships. It encompassed my needs, desires, my turn-ons/offs, my boundaries, my core values, and most importantly, the foundation for creating a fulfilling and authentic connection with myself and others.   

As soon as I started doing the practices, I felt what it was like to truly embody unconditional self-love and radical self-acceptance for the first time in my life.

Reclaiming my sexuality has taught me how to love my body, what healthy boundaries look like, and how to enforce them. I learned that my desires were not shameful or too much. It has taught me that my body is a powerful instrument worthy of pleasure, that power lives in my emotions, and I am boundless potential.

I learned that pleasure was my birthright, sexuality is the purest form of self-expression and creativity, and the need for love should never be a struggle. And all of this power was inside of me all along that it’ll always be an essential key to me thriving as a woman and as a mother.

My sensuality has become the medicine I needed to heal the deepest wounds of my past and fuel my everyday existence as I create a new life after finally having the courage to leave a toxic relationship of 17 years.

Despite all of the heartbreak and trauma I have endured, I’ve found myself living a life filled with sensual bliss and a deep alignment with my original essence. My life became orgasmic - and no, not the type of orgasms you have while hiding under your blanket - but the orgasms that take you into another Universe and leave you breathless.

I am in the relationship I have always dreamed of with a partner who loves me deeply and makes me feel safe in my divine wild feminine nature. I learned how to be in a conscious partnership and experience love, intimacy, and the out of this world sex!

I am in the midst of the most exquisite love affair with ALL of my life, leaving me fully embodied with the wisdom to show you exactly how to turn on your magic.

If you’ve ever been deeply heartbroken, wounded by your past, disconnected from yourself, afraid or ashamed of sex and/or love, know this:

YOU ARE WORTHY, AND IT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU.

If a woman like me can rise from where I did, so can you.