Rebuilding Trust and Self-Worth After Emotional Manipulation

I have spent the past three years deeply healing from the profound impact of enduring years of gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and psychological abuse. This chapter of my life has been arduous, marked by periods of unwavering self-assurance and confidence to conquer any obstacles that come my way. And seasons of self-doubt, where the echoes of those who inflicted harm persistently linger, permeating every aspect of my existence and hindering my pursuit of the life I aspire to lead.

I’ve been told things like :

• “You’re f*cked up because of your trauma.”

• “You’re the reason why you have no friends.”

• “This is all your fault.” 

• “You’re the only one who makes me angry like this.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

When someone you share an intimate and romantic bond with utters hurtful words, it inflicts immense pain. These words cut deep, piercing your core. While the initial experience is agonizing, it is the subsequent love bombing that truly exacerbates the wounds. As you find yourself crumpled on the ground, curled up in a vulnerable ball, the hurtful words echo in your mind. The manipulative tactics employed emotionally entrap and confuse you, leaving you feeling trapped and defenseless.

Healing from this can be even more painful.

Sometimes, the healing process can be even more agonizing because it forces you to confront and bear witness to the profound weight of the years of damage inflicted upon your sense of self-worth that you meticulously covered up so that no one could see.

Why? 

Because at that time, you weren’t sure what would hurt more: the pain you’re enduring behind closed doors or the shame and judgment you might feel when someone else bears witness to your suffering.

Navigating the challenges of rebuilding trust in oneself and others can result in overwhelming stress and uncertainty. Add juggling the responsibilities of raising a family, running a business, and building a life after leaving that relationship and it makes the healing journey feel even more daunting. 

I used to tell myself that the hardest part of the journey was taking a stance for myself and realizing that I deserved better. But the truth is, now that I look back at it all, the hardest part was finding the strength to forgive myself for staying in that toxic relationship for so long.

Decoding the Signs of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is nuanced, taking the shape of manipulative words, actions, and non-verbal communication. Recognizing its signs is akin to gathering puzzle pieces to form a grand image. Some of those pieces include:

1. Constant Criticism or Mockery: Persistent criticism teeming with derogatory comments chips away at your confidence. It's not about constructive feedback; it's about demeaning under the guise of 'help' or 'humor'.

2. Manipulation & Gaslighting: The perpetrator manipulates reality to sow seeds of doubt in your mind about your feelings, thoughts, or experiences.

3. Controlling Behavior: The abuser may exert control over various aspects of your life—social, financial, physical—and morph it into a cage disguised as a protective measure. Sometimes this behavior is more covert or subtle.

4. Emotional Neglect & Silence: Frequent dismissal of your feelings or the use of the "silent treatment" as punishment amounts to emotional abuse.

5. Constant Guilt Trip: Regularly blaming you for their feelings or harmful events, rerouting the focus from their harmful behavior onto your supposed inadequacies.

The signs are not always evident, but every bit of confusion, every tear wiped away hurriedly points to a truth you have the right—and the strength—to confront.

Embracing the Path of Healing

Healing does not mean forgetting or forgiving; it’s about learning how to live with the pain and trauma of experiencing such deep violation and betrayal. I also know it's possible to heal from this kind of betrayal, even if it takes longer than expected. If you are looking for a magic pill or quick fix to heal from this kind of betrayal, I'm afraid there isn't one. It's going to take time, effort, and presence.

This can be scary because it requires you to be present in your body and mind when the pain is at its worst. This may mean taking some time away from your partner, family, friends, job, and other responsibilities while you focus on healing.

Healing is a personal journey, painted differently for each individual, yet bearing a universal essence of autonomy, self-compassion, and resilience.

1. Acknowledge the Abuse: The first step is acknowledging that you have been hurt. Surrender yourself to the fact that this happened and feel your pain. Don't try to ignore or push it away; instead, let yourself be with it in whatever feels right for you.

2. Create a Support System: Individual therapy, coaching, and support groups provide a safe space to unravel your feelings and acquire tools needed for healing and rebuilding. Talk to a trusted friend who can help you process what has happened.

3. Establishing Boundaries: The time has come to map out your psychological, emotional, and physical limits to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for others to behave towards you. Your voice matters; your needs matter; your feelings matter—respect your space and claim your autonomy!

4. Self-care and Compassion: Start loving yourself fiercely. Practice self-care by nurturing your body, mind, and soul. Extend compassion to yourself as you would to a dear friend—forgive yourself, soothe your aches, and revel in your own strength.

5. Restoring self-esteem and self-worth: Emotional manipulation often damages a sense of self-worth. Building it back up is an essential part of the recovery process.

6. Educate Yourself about Emotional Manipulation: Understanding emotional manipulation techniques can empower you to recognize and resist such tactics in the future.

It's important not to take it personally.

This is a common reaction, especially if you were in a relationship with the person who betrayed you. You may think that if only you had been better at something or done something differently, this wouldn't have happened. But just like blaming yourself for causing the trauma in the first place, this thinking only prolongs your pain.

I've been through this myself, and I know how painful it can be. But I also know that if someone had told me the truth about what happened when I was in my 20s (and even after), then perhaps I would have had some sense of how to heal from it sooner.