Living Alongside Depression
**Trigger Warning** This piece mentions suicide and rape and some people might find it disturbing. If you or someone you know is suicidal, please, contact your physician, go to your local ER, or call the suicide prevention hotline in your country. For the United States, the numbers are as follows:
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255), or message the Crisis Text Line at 741741. Both programs provide free, confidential support 24/7.
Living with chronic depression means you experience good days and bad days; most of the time, it's good, but then there are the rough ones.
I have been living alongside depression since I was 15 years old, diagnosed after a suicide attempt six months after I was raped by my ex-boyfriend while growing up in a home that was consumed by domestic violence.
For nearly all of my junior and senior years in high school, I was in and out of therapy on several medications to stabilize my mood and brain after all that I had been through at that time in my life. It was probably some of the loneliest and most confusing moments in my life.
Between the ages of 21-27, depression and I had a long-distance relationship. Parenting and raising kids became the primary focus of my brain, and while I experienced moments of depression, I often dismissed and shoved away whatever feelings or emotions I felt so that I could “woman the fuck up" and care for others until 2013 when my depression came back hard, and I knew I had to make some major lifestyle changes!
Summer of 2013, I started my self-love journey through fitness and nutrition. It was the first time as an adult woman I worked out and focused on my soul care. My mental health improved, and my life completely shifted I even left my job in tech to begin a career in holistic health coaching.
I spent my 30s in a portal of growth, expansion, and wholeness. From the start of my own wellness journey to the depths of the unknown and unfelt inner workings of my soul. Depression in the texture and experience of what I once knew it to be seemed like faded memory only coming around in moments when I was standing still. Rare moments for me in my 30s because I was seduced by hustle culture from working in a tech start-up, running a business with my ex, launching my own online business as a content creator, and juggling life as a mother. There was no room for depression in my life during that time, but when it crept in, it crept in.
Over the last several years, my life has been going through some major transitions– ending a 12-year marriage, separation, divorce, moving to a new city, rebuilding my life as a woman, navigating the online work world as an entrepreneur, experiencing a new level of motherhood, and redefining my identity.
It’s no surprise that depression has also crept in, a few steps behind most of my life’s major transitions.
Cultivating a New Relationship With Depression
After the holidays, I found myself disconnected from the joy and the goodness that I was surrounded by — my partner and I bought a house together, and my kids gave him consent to refer to them as “our kids” I was beginning to find my groove with work. The divorce was officially over and finalized.
It felt like I was witnessing myself having gratitude, but my body couldn’t connect and emote it. And, of course, like any somatic practitioner, I deployed all the tools and practices I had in my toolbox — journaling, movement, meditation, breath work, eating better, and trying to get more sleep.
Nothing seemed to work. I was numb to pleasure, and that terrified me.
During a session with my therapist, I told her, “Despite all the goodness I’m experiencing in my life, I still find myself ruminating on the divorce and unable to orient myself towards the joy.”
After sharing my unfiltered and raw thoughts, shedding tears, and expressing all my frustration, she leaned toward me on our Zoom call and said, “Jo, with all that you’ve been through and with what you’re describing to me, it sounds like you have chronic depression. I suggest you go to your PCP, tell them about your symptoms, and see if they can prescribe to you a low-dose anti-depressant to help support your brain and neurotransmitters.”
At first, I resisted the idea of being on anti-depressants. I feared the dependency that one could develop on anti-depressants, and I know that I didn’t want that for myself.
As soon as I moved through my resistance and processed some of my fears and concerns, I decided this would be an opportunity to create a new relationship with my depression. A loving relationship where I'm not trying to wish it away, but instead learning how to find the wild unconditional love inside of me to accept my most recent diagnosis, be on meds, and experience the safety in my home with my chosen family.
While depression can be a painful and difficult part of life, it can also be a teacher. If we give it a voice it can be a source of wisdom and understanding if you are willing to look and listen.
The more I listen to and understand my depression, the more I learn about myself and the world around me. Depression has given me a deeper level of empathy and connection to others. It has shown me where to put more effort and care into my self-care.
It has shown me how to listen to and honor my body, heart, and soul and when it’s time to rest, focus on what matters, and be gentle with myself.
The Gifts Depression Has Given Me
Throughout my life, depression has revealed a beautiful archetype within me, the inner healer and inner muse.
When I was 15 years old, I found a love for photography and writing.
At 29 years old, depression showed me the importance of self-care, self-love, community, and the power of vulnerability and virtual storytelling, shaping an online business I never imagined having.
Today, the greatest gift is being in the practice of asking for and receiving support and help. Something that I have always had a challenge with due to my childhood and the stories around asking for help that my immigrant parents imprinted into me.
But now, with the realization that I have chronic depression, I understand that asking for help is not a weakness but rather a strength. It takes immense courage to admit that you need support and seek it out. And with the right support, I am able to manage my depression and live a fulfilling life.
Living alongside depression requires constant self-awareness and self-care. It is a journey that can be difficult at times, but it is also a journey that allows for growth, healing, and transformation. By cultivating a new relationship with depression, one that is rooted in love and acceptance, I am able to embrace all aspects of myself, including my mental health struggles. And in doing so, I am able to live a life that is authentic, fulfilling, and filled with joy.
Mindfulness Tips and Sensual Embodiment Practices for Coping with Depression:
The things I used to do to cope with my depression throughout my life have shifted and changed. As I head into my 40s I’ve seen the incredible power of slowing down and tuning into the body as a source of wisdom, knowledge, and the ultimate partner in navigating this mental illness.
Here are a few practices that have helped me lately:
Mindful Breathing: Take a moment to focus on the sensation of your breath moving in and out of your body. Slowly inhale and exhale, counting to four on each breath. This simple practice can help calm the nervous system and reduce stress and anxiety.
Sensual Touch: Use your sense of touch to connect with your body. Take a warm bath or shower and focus on the feeling of the water on your skin. Give yourself a gentle massage or use a body oil to nourish your skin. This practice can help ground you in the present moment and connect you to your physical body.
Gratitude Journaling: Take a few moments each day to write down three things you are grateful for. This practice can help shift your focus from negative thoughts to positive ones and improve your overall mood.
Yoga or Stretching: Move your body in a way that feels good. Yoga or stretching can help release tension and increase flexibility. Focus on the sensation of your breath and movement as you flow through each pose.
Mindful Eating: Take the time to savor the flavors and textures of your food. Eat without distractions, and focus on the taste, smell, and texture of each bite. This practice can help you appreciate the nourishment that food provides and improve your relationship with your body.
Creative Expression: Use a creative outlet to express your emotions. This can be through writing, painting, dancing, or any other form of self-expression. Allow yourself to be present with the process and let go of any judgment or expectations.
Nature Connection: Spend time in nature and allow yourself to be fully present in the environment around you. Take a walk, sit in the sun, or take a hike. This practice can help reduce stress and improve mood by connecting you to the natural world.
Remember, coping with depression is a journey, and it's important to be gentle and kind to yourself along the way. These practices can help support your mental health and well-being, but it's also important to seek professional help when needed. You are not alone, and with the right support, you can navigate this journey and find joy and fulfillment in your life.
You don’t have to face depression alone.
Seek out a therapist or other medical professionals if you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends and family, or join a support group where you can share your story and connect with other people facing similar struggles.
Above all, be gentle and compassionate with yourself - be kind and forgive yourself and understand that it’s okay to experience tough emotions.
The most important thing is to keep living and keep loving - your life, yourself, and all that is around you.
You are strong, you are brave, and you are capable of getting through this. You are not alone, and together we can make it through.
If you or someone you know is struggling with difficult life circumstances or uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, there is help! You do not need to be experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings to call. Trained crisis intervention counselors can receive crisis calls and give supportive counseling 24 hours daily. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255
