The Art of Blending: Thriving as a Resilient and Loving Blended Family

For a long time, the idea of a blended family was considered rather taboo in the eyes of society. Until recent years, the “traditional” picture of a family once held the spotlight as the only "normal" family setup. Anything else was considered a bit unconventional and maybe even strange.

Families are incredibly intricate tapestries of life. They are complex, sometimes complicated, and things don't always turn out how you may have intended. Whether it’s navigating through tough times, dealing with a relationship's ebb, or the dissolution of a marriage, people find themselves sculpting these remarkable blended families. It's like taking the unexpected and, through resilience and love, turning it into a masterpiece of togetherness.

Blended families have the ability to bring people together from different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. They create a space where differences can be celebrated and where love knows no boundaries. It may not always be smooth sailing, but blended families have a resilience that cannot be easily broken.

When I divorced my ex of 17 years three years ago, we were all under the impression that the parenting time would be split 50/50. Six months into the separation, things rapidly changed. The kids decided to live with me full-time, completely disrupting the balance and “family post-divorce” I had initially envisioned.

As the months went by, we slowly adjusted to our new reality. I realized that despite the unexpected change, this new dynamic had the potential to become something beautiful. I had the opportunity to redefine what it means to be family and to create the family I've always desired

My partner moved in with me in August 2021 we knew the challenges that were ahead of us to blend our family and the hurt and confusion that our children had experienced due to the divorce.

Merging two households into one blended family is never an easy task. It requires patience, commitment, mutual respect, and a whole lot of grace for every member of the family to feel truly a part of the new family unit that’s being created. And even when you think it’s going great, unforeseen challenges will inevitably become known, potentially causing hurt and regret.

There were days when the kids would resist the changes and long for the familiarity of their old lives. There were nights when we stayed up late, talking and addressing their fears and concerns. But through it all, we remained committed to creating a loving and resilient blended family. 

From my journey over the last two years, here are seven things we did to thrive as a blended family.

Practice presence, patience, and understanding:  

Blended families often come with unique dynamics and challenges. It's essential to have patience and understanding as everyone adjusts to their new roles and relationships. It takes time for bonds to form and for everyone to feel comfortable and secure within the family. Allow relationships to develop naturally rather than forcing them. One of the things that we made sure of in the early stages of blending our family was not to impose the idea of family on the kids until they were the ones who started to identify us as a family.

Communicate openly and honestly: 

Communication is key in any relationship, especially in a blended family with different dynamics and histories. Create a safe space where everyone feels comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Encourage open dialogue and active listening to foster understanding and connection. 

We integrate a lot of communication tools I use in my coaching for the kids and teach them practices like holding space, fears, loves, and desires, and the one that we’ve been practicing a lot lately is teaching them how to clear. Clearing is where one person gets to vent in front of the group, say anything the need to clear while the other members witness. We usually set a timer for 3 minutes, and when the person is done clearing, we respond with “Well cleared!” There’s no processing involved, no questions asked unless consent is given to respond. It’s a way to train the nervous system that its safe to express hard things to people without the fear of being judged or criticized. 

Set clear boundaries and agreements. 

Establishing clear boundaries and agreements is crucial in a blended family. Each member should have a say in defining what is acceptable and what is not. This includes rules, expectations, and consequences. By setting clear boundaries and agreements, it helps create stability and consistency within the family unit. It also allows for open communication and understanding of each other's needs and limits. It’s important that our children can feel like they have a sense of agency and ownership in our family. We have a practice of co-creating agreements with them rather than creating rules that feel like are imposed onto them  

Prioritize individual and family time: 

In a blended family, it's important to strike a balance between spending time together as a family and allowing for individual time with each parent. By prioritizing both individual and family time, it helps foster a sense of belonging and ensures that each member feels valued and love. 

Create new values, traditions, and rituals: 

Creating new values, traditions, and rituals can help solidify the family culture and sense of belonging within a blended family. It allows everyone to have a shared experience and creates lasting memories. Whether it's uniquely celebrating holidays, starting new family traditions, or creating rituals that honor the family unit and each person’s individuality and, these practices help build a strong bond and a sense of unity. One of the things we did was create a vision statement based on our 10 values which helped us to anchor into our family values in times when life feels chaotic.

Embrace flexibility and adaptability: 

Blended families often face unexpected challenges and changes. It's crucial to embrace flexibility and adaptability in order to navigate these situations smoothly. Be open to adjusting routines, schedules, and expectations as needed, and encourage everyone in the family to communicate their needs and concerns openly. By remaining flexible and adaptable, you can create a supportive and resilient family unit that can weather any storm.

Practice self-care:

Taking care of oneself is essential for thriving in any relationship, including blended families. It is important for each family member to prioritize their own self-care, whether it's through exercise, hobbies, or simply having alone time. By taking care of themselves, individuals can better show up for their loved ones and contribute to a harmonious and loving blended family environment.

Blending a family takes time and effort from everyone involved. It's important to have realistic expectations, celebrate small victories, and be kind to yourself and others. With love, patience, and dedication, a blended family can thrive and create a beautiful and harmonious new chapter of togetherness.